I spent
last weekend with my best friend, actually my twin sister, at his hometown of Caen in Normandy.
Quite aside from the warm welcome I received, from the difficulty I had
remembering my French, which I hadn’t spoken in 30years, from the vast
quantities of food consumed (we’ve both come back fat as pigs), what struck me
most was the love, acceptance and openness shown by all those I met.
With my "twin sister" Billy |
Billy did
not have an easy childhood or adolescence. Thrown out of the family home at the
age of 15, when he came out to his alcoholic father, who died last year, he
fled to Paris, New York, Brighton and London, doing whatever he could to
survive, eventually turning to drugs and alcohol himself. However, even at the
height of his addiction, he had a keen instinct for survival, which led him to
check himself into the Priory, taking the first steps on the road to a
recovery, which continues to this day. He has been clean 9 years, though this
does not stop him going out and enjoying himself at parties where those around
him are drinking or taking drugs. His problem has never become anyone else’s. A
few years back he was diagnosed HIV positive, which he dealt with with equal
courage and fortitude. With all these problems he has also managed to own and
run successful businesses. He is a remarkable person.
I tell you
this because Billy is very open about the details of his life. Everyone we met
in France,
from his relations to his school friends knows everything about him, but it has
made no difference to them. It was wonderful to see how he was welcomed with
total love and acceptance by all the people we visited, and there were an awful
lot of them. (I was getting quite lost as to who was who by the end of
Saturday). Inevitably I suppose, I began to compare his life to mine. I had a
fairly trouble free childhood, though my adolescence was harder as I tried
desperately to be the person my mother wanted me to be, rather than the person
I am. I knew I was gay, but I hid it from myself as well as everyone else for
such a long time, that when I finally accepted I was gay, it was something of
an epiphany. I came out to all my friends down here in London, then to my brother, and finally to my
mother. She reacted as only she could. She still loved me of course, but that
was despite the fact that I was gay, which was just another cross for her to
bear. She would of course keep it to herself, as there was so much shame
attached to having a gay son. To this day she has never told the rest of the
family, not even her own brothers, to whom she claimed to be so close. So much
for openness and acceptance. Is it any wonder my visits to my hometown became
more and more infrequent. Unlike Billy, I never really felt I fitted in with
anyone at school, so I have no contact with any of my childhood friends, many
of whom have moved away from the area anyway. It was only when I moved to London and went to Drama College
that I felt I fitted in anywhere.
The main
reason for us going to France
at the weekend was to attend the 40th birthday party of one of Billy’s
friends, whom I had met, with his charming wife and lovely young daughter when
they were here in London
for New Year. The guests (at least 60 of them) ranged in age from young
children to grandparents . Apart from Billy and me, there was one gay couple
there. Everyone else was straight, though we fitted in so wel it really was
of no consequence who was straight and who was gay. A few spoke English. Most
didn’t, though I still managed to hold quite a few conversations with people.
The party started at 8pm with punch and nibbles, but tables had been set for a
sit down meal, which Christophe, our host had prepared himself. He had always
been adamant that on his birthday he would cook for his friends. In the event,
we didn’t sit down to eat till 10pm and dessert didn’t arrive till 2am! The
courses were interspersed with dancing and even a flash mob, with which I
joined in, having been taught the routine the previous evening. Billy’s sister
had written new lyrics to a well known French song, detailing events in
Christophe’s life, which she performed with her husband and another couple of
close friends, and so on and so forth. Billy acquainted people with what I do
for a living, explaining the difference between us. “I’m a slut and he’s a
whore, because he gets paid and I give it away free”. Not really true these
days. Billy’s more of a nun, which seems a terrible waste to me. But I digress.
Nobody made judgements. I was welcomed with acceptance and open arms. I suppose
what I am saying is that it was a joy to be accepted for who I am, rather than
despite who I am, which is usually the case when I go to my hometown. When we
left the party, exhausted, at 3am, it was still in full swing, children still
playing, people still sitting round chatting or dancing. I had more fun than
I’ve had in a gay club in London
in a very long time.
Wouldn’t it
be wonderful if the world could be like that? If we could all be accepted for
who we are? Too often, like most minorities, we are tolerated rather than
accepted, if we are tolerated at all. Why do so many people find it hard to
accept other people’s differences? Difference is what makes the world go round.
It should be celebrated, as indeed it was on Saturday night.
Bout you have accepted the other people too. Sometimes minorities get closed in their ghettos and that's bad too. I really enjoy your story.
ReplyDeleteThat's a fair point, Daniel. I think you're right. Glad you enjoyed my post.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful love letter to your twin sister! It was really nice meeting you, like we met Billy ten years ago. We met only a few times over the years but always with the same pleasure, because we have great fun together and we can talk about anything and everything. About the welcome you received, you deserve it, because you made the effort of fitting in. But your sense of surprise is not something new for me as it reminds me very much mine when people welcome my Down syndrome daughter without any... I don't know.... despise? disgust??? When I talked to you about her, you never shivered with horror either, did you?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll come back to your blog because I like the way you write (even when it will not be about me and our common friends ;)) and I am curious about your way of life) Gros bisous as we say here! and take care.
t was a pleasure to meet you too Lena, and I hope to meet you again one day, and maybe also your daughter too on that occasion.
ReplyDeleteI meant everything I said above. I had a lovely time last weekend and I will not forget it.
Big hugs xxx
Wow, i was stuck to this article all the way through and felt every word! Very touching and i hope that at some point if /when i come to london it would be a pleasure to chat to you! Parts of what you mentioned are similar reflections to myself and how my life has been up and down.
ReplyDeleteI finish by taking my hat off to you
Best wishes
Mat x
Thank you, Mat. It means a lot to me when people understand and appreciate what I am trying to say.
ReplyDeleteGreg